I know that this is a long entry. Please take the time to read it. I think there are important lessons here for everyone.
The Past Four Years of my Life;
or “Goofus and Gallant”
A Cautionary Tale of Charity in the Workplace
by CyranoVR
For the past four years, I have been living out “Goofus and Gallant” in an IT setting. I didn't write about it here until now for what I think our obvious reasons, e.g. it is poor form to complain about one’s job online. However, since I am scheduled to leave my job at the end of the month, and my problem co-worker – a.k.a. “Goofus” – is now gone as well, I am free to write about my experience.
Undeniably Goofus has been a major part of my life. How can I elucidate? Ours was a small department: me, Goofus and our adroit Manager. Goofus sat about three feet to my right. I could have reached over and hit him on the shoulder him without getting up from my chair. We had an “open office” arrangement – no cubicles, nor any sort of physical divider. Manager sat at the other end of the room and was frequently in meetings, so most of the time (i.e. 7 hours a day * 5 days a week * 50-odd weeks a year * 4 years) it was just me and Goofus.
Me and Goofus.
Four years.
Now even if Goofus *had* been productive and professional, I still would have something to write about. Ever nervous habit or tick you can thing of, Goofus had it: drumming his fingers, mumbling to himself, singing, tapping his feet, nervous laughter, singing to himself some more, etc. etc. etc.
His favorite "game" was to sing/mutter a pop- or holiday song, intermittently replacing key words with “guacamole”:I wanna wish you a merry...guacamole
This love has taken its guacamole Every once in a while, after a chorus, he would pause to observe my (non-)reaction. WTF?
I am a rather patient person, so I ignored his nonsense and focused on my work. Some days, if I was working on a time-sensitive project and really needed to concentrate, I would listen to music on my headphones.
Of course, toward the end it dawned on me that all this commotion by Goofus wasn’t nervous energy. Rather, it was a concerted effort to “get a rise” out of me. Being incompetent (see below), he was frequently bored at work, and “fucking with people” was the sport he used to relieve that boredom.
I first realized this when one day he commented that he “likes arguing with people just to watch them get excited.” The deal was sealed a month ago when he muttered something under his breath about “people who put on headphones [so they don’t have to hear his finger-drumming].”
Troll, thy name is Goofus.
* * *
But how exactly did he earn the title "Goofus," and I "Gallant?"
Goofus lies on his resume, saying he knows Access, Visual Basic, HTML, JavaScript, ASP, ColdFusion, Flash, AS/400, Unix, Linux…
Gallant is honest about his technical shortcomings but promises to do the job and learn as much as he can.
Goofus takes it personally when superiors criticize his work, and focuses on “being right” rather than solving the problem at hand.
Gallant understands that the person criticizing him is actually asking for a better solution, and tries to learn more and ask questions to get the job done.
Goofus leaves in the middle of the day for mysterious and phantasmal “family health emergencies,” but then comes in to work coughing and sneezing to “prove” how “dedicated” he is to his job.
Gallant plans his days off well in advance, and takes a sick day when he needs it.
Goofus All purpose phrase: “Garbage in, Garbage out.”
Gallant “How can I help you catch the Garbage before it gets in, or track the Garbage back to its source problem on its way out?”
Goofus turns every team meeting or technical conversation into a contest of who "knows more" or "who's 'right.'"
Gallant sees team meetings as an opportunity to exchange ideas and gain knowledge.
Goofus never tries to increase his knowledge of the company’s systems nor any software or programming languages.
Gallant constantly tries to learn new skills and technologies, with an eye towards applying them to solve particular problems or build productivity-enhancing applications.
Goofus creates hodgepodge, ad-hoc Access databases with no naming convention, structure or reusability to speak of – but with a wealth of copy-pasted code from the 'net or ample use of macros. (Macros!?)
Gallant builds a library of reusable functions and templates, and strives for Best Practices in coding convention, database normalization and application lifecycle (yes, even for dinky MS Access DBs).
Goofus waits around for someone to give him an assignment, and then complains that “he doesn’t have anything to do.”
Gallant strives to understand the business so he can take initiative to create new reports that increase staff productivity.
Goofus produces some half-assed idea only when pressed, and then waits for someone else to implement the idea. After nothing happens, he whines that “he had a great idea, but nobody ever listens to [him].”
Gallant comes up with new ideas without being asked, and then takes action to implement the ideas himself, if necessary.
Goofus Stumbles upon a potential problem, but does nothing preferring to say “I told you so” when things reach crisis proportions.
Gallant tries to anticipate and assess potential problems, and then presses for a resolution before things reach a crisis.
Goofus stands by doing nothing when he sees someone else about to fail, because he would rather see someone else be proven “wrong” then take initiative for the benefit of the organization.
Gallant speaks up when he sees a problem, but does so dispassionately and rationally with an eye for solving the problem and moving forward.
Goofus writes “documentation” in a barely-legible scrawl spread over several pages of a lined notepad.
Gallant produces a concise yet thorough documentation – complete with screenshots and tables clearly typed in Word.
Goofus is happy to run the same report, implemented in dBase IV back in the early 1990s, for six years straight, without attempting once to migrate it to a new technology – let alone understand its source code.
Gallant wants to understand the business purpose or federal regulation behind every report and application used by staffers – and then develop something more accurate and useful to increase staff productivity.
Goofus complains about having to “make sure that other people are doing their jobs.”
Gallant understands the importance of Controls in a heavily regulated industry.
Goofus belittles those junior to him and kisses the ass of those senior. He values titles over merit.
Gallant works with everyone in a frank and professional manner, focusing on resolving problems rather than “political maneuvering.”
Goofus regularly falls asleep in his chair.
Gallant takes a fifteen minute break when he is feeling lethargic, takes naps during lunch if he has to, and makes an effort to be well-rested and healthy for work.
Goofus becomes continually resentful and insubordinate when his poor work ethic prevents him from earning a raise.
Gallant appreciates whatever raises and bonuses his employer can provide on its limited margin, and always responds with increased effort and production.
Goofus is resentful of his colleagues who receive praise and promotions – even when those are rightly deserved.
Gallant is aware of Goofus’ incompetence and discontent, but decides to focus on his own job, rather than wasting energy on unproductive conflict. After all - it’s not my problem.
…and most recently:
Goofus “quits” and only agrees to two weeks notice after being harangued by his Manager.
Gallant gives two weeks notice and then agrees to extend his stay by one more week at the request of his Manager.
* * *
The Bizarre Conclusion
On that last point: two days ago(Monday) I solemnly gave notice to my Manager of my intention to leave. The conversation was difficult for me, as I know that I am a valuable resource to my employer; and because I still feel a personal loyalty to the organization where I launched my IT career. Even so, My Manager was very understanding, and he emphasized that although it hurt to see me go, he appreciated my professionalism and considered me a friend.
I should add that he asked me to write a memo before leaving – a memo to help him finally drop the axe on Goofus.
Well, an hour later I was sitting at my desk, trying to figure out how I would contain my anti-Goofus diatribe to one page, when my Manager approached me at my workstation. Goofus was nowhere to be seen. “You know,” Manager said, gesturing to Goofus’ empty chair, ”he resigned today, too.”
o____0
By pure, complete and utter coincidence, Goofus and I had given notice on the exact same day.
I immediately offered to extend my two weeks by an additional one to ease this sudden burden on my Manager. Fortunately, my future employers were flexible enough to delay my start date by a week.
Meanwhile, Goofus, whom my Manager had to harangue into staying on for two more weeks, quickly started to show his true face. He had a new job, no longer needed this one, and therefore - in his imbecilic mind - didn't need to pretend to play the role of "loyal employee" anymore (it had always been a poor act, anyway).
It began with a few snide comments directed at me Tuesday morning. First he belittled me for actually working past 5PM ("oh...you're working late huh? [sarcasm]Good for you![/sarcasm]"), and then, when he discovered that I was also leaving, he bounded over, beaming: “Congratulations!” Umm…for what? Delighted: “I heard you *quit* too!”
Of course, *I* was happy that *he* was leaving because I hadn’t been looking forward to training him to do my job, or hearing later that he talked shit about my work after I left; but also because I knew that he was deadweight and should have been fired years ago. That my employer would never have this useless bit of dead weight around was a Good Thing.
What ticked me off, however, was when I learned that *he* was happy that *I* was leaving because, in his damaged mind, it meant our Manager was screwed. This was the nail in the coffin. I never want to see this individual again in my life. What a fucking douche.
Anyway, matters shortly came to a head when a VP overheard Goofus bragging that he was only staying on two weeks because our Manager had “begged” him. Senior Management caught wind of this, and he was escorted out of the building at 4PM, given only a few minutes to collect his belongings.
It was the moment I had been hoping for, for four years - rendered hollow by my own impending departure. As he was being led out, I hid from sight in the basement cafeteria. I was pretty sure that if I saw him, I would say something I couldn’t take back. It just wouldn’t be worth it. I was through wasting energy on that fucker. he's a non-entity in my mind.
Fuck him.
* * *
How could this happen?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why did they take six years to fire this lazy ass? Well, the answer is: my Manager has a big heart. Goofus was a Family Man – three kids, a wife, etc. It was pity that stayed his hand. They wanted to fire Goofus after year #2, but "the human element" (i.e. his three screaming kids) kept my Manager from canning him.
See, he thought that Goofus wouldn’t be able to find a job, and he couldn’t bear having Goof's fate on his conscious. He was trying to do Goofus a favor by giving him endless chances to prove himself, being patient with his shortcomings, and even covering for his blunders.
In short, he forgot that we worked at a business, not a charity.
And, in the end, Goofus turned around and spit in his face.
Lesson learned?
* * *
Epilogue
Today, I spent the better part of the workday cleaning out Goofus’ desk. Much like his persona, his entire workarea was a hopeless mess. Thousands of paper clips, post-it note pads, receipts, plastic forks an napkins from six years of sloppy take-out lunches, receipts, and $1.57 in assorted loose change that I donated to a homeless guy on my way home from work.
Towards the end I started to feel a bit like an archeologist – I was finding documents from his predecessor, Y2K auditing plans, etc. And from the looks of it, he hadn’t done any work for at least two years. Only scant few reports with dates past 2003.
Incredible.
The process of cleaning was cathartic. In cleaning any trace of him from our office, I was also cleaning the memories of this whole four-year ordeal from my mind. I was bringing closure to a storyline of my life. Graduation day.
Four years, Goofus and his antics had been the main event of my daily routine. His mannerisms and personality were seared onto my brain. I’ve sometimes joked with co-workers that I was in love with him; or that I felt like we were married - some weeks I certainly saw more of him than I did my wife. Considering these facts hopefully will let you more completely understand my feelings, and why I had to write this.
So now I have two peaceful, productive weeks ahead of me, a clean, empty desk next to me, and a small vision of what could have been. And when I come back to visit, I won't have to see any trace of him. I can pretend he never existed.
That pathetic, incompetent, belligerent, fat piece of shit is finally out of my life, forever.
Good riddance.
Last week I accepted an offer from a Wall Street financial technology firm. I’ll be in a client-facing role, integrating and extending their proprietary high-performance 100% Java software product on behalf of their blue-chip clients. The job will be about ½ coding, ½ project management (proposals, status reports, documentation, testing plans, etc.) I’ll also be working with their Engineering Team on providing direction and quality assurance for the Core Product.
This is the first time and last time I’ll be writing about the job, for reasons previously stated.
CyranoVR
May 18th, 2005
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
cyranovr's journal
silly